The church ladies say the F word

The other day I received an email inviting me to the annual games night with the ladies from my church.  This is an event that I now look forward with unbridled glee!

I had only been a member of the local church for around six months when I went to my first games night.  I decided to go for curiosity’s sake more than anything else and expected a mundane night of bingo and whist with some lovely, but slightly wispy ladies.

The number of bottles of wine should have given me a clue really, but I was totally unprepared for the excellent evening of games, fun and laughter that we had.  Towards the end of the evening, we were all relaxed with wine, full of yummy snacks and playing a quick fire card game.  The tension mounted as the deck made its way around the table.  It was a simple game, relying on the turn of a card.  There was laughter and shouting as various ladies were eliminated from the game.  Finally, the deck reached me, I turned the card over and shouted “F#CK!!” extremely loudly.  After a split second of silence those lovely ladies roared with laughter, spluttered out their wine and choked on their pretzels.  I have since found that Americans love hearing the English curse (within reason) because it sounds so much better, and funny, with our accent.  Suits me.

A year passes and I get to know the ladies of the Women’s Association a little better.  Along comes another games night with all the accompanying wine and nibbles.  I eagerly arrive, looking forward to another fun social evening.  There are two main games this evening and we divide ourselves into two teams.  It just so happens that we have a more serious, sober team and a livelier, younger team.  Of course, I am on the second team.  I cannot for the life of me remember what the other team was playing, but they kept muttering about how loud we were!

Our team was playing a game called Mad-Gab.  This game involves reading a group of words that when said fast enough, or often enough, or slow enough sounds like a well-known phrase or saying.  So, “Canoe Keep Pace He Grit”, when pronounced quickly sounds like “Can you keep a secret”.   We played several rounds of this game, getting noisier and more raucous by the minute, when suddenly I remember a Billy Connelly (fab Scottish comedian) sketch I saw many years ago.  I grab a pencil and paper and jotted down a few words during a break in the game.

During the following rounds I’m a little pre-occupied.  Dare I?  Is it too rude?  I drink some more wine to help me come to a sensible decision … dammit, I’ll do it!

I bide my time, waiting for exactly the right moment.  Eventually there is a natural lull in the game.  I say “Hey, see if you can get this phrase” and hold up my piece of paper so all the ladies on my team can see it.

WHALE OIL BEEF HOOKED

The ladies read it and say it.  They say it again and again and again.  They don’t get it.  I have a moment of panic wondering if my naughty joke will fall flat.  They are now saying it s l o w l y, then fast.  They chant it and they get louder and faster.  They concentrate as hard as the wine will let them and I am now having a hot flush I am laughing so hard.  Suddenly they get it and scream!  The whole room erupts with laughter … thankfully.

I do love the ladies of our church.  They can be devout and wholesome (during the church service), they have been kind and welcoming to me and my children (during coffee morning after the service) and they love to have a blast socially (anywhere!)

My third games night is approaching and I am wondering if I can get through the evening without the F word being involved.  We shall see …

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6 Responses to The church ladies say the F word

  1. Shamed Father says:

    What have I spawned

  2. As one of the ‘more serious and sober’ ladies … it is always a fun night! Surely you enjoyed the Spring Picnic last night – despite 21 women speaking @ one time – they are quite a lovely bunch of dedicated, bright, fun women. The will help out you, support the Church, engage in all our activities and are always there if you need ’em! We are so happy to now say we have an ‘international’ member of the Women’s Association! p.s. You are quite the little writer aren’t you – your Blog is fab! *Debbie

    • Djo says:

      I love the social events with the WA, especially when we have drinkies, which seems to be most of the time! Last night was my first Spring Picnic – it is now a fixture on my annual calendar. I find ladies of the WA a lovely diverse bunch … although there is one deluded blonde who thinks she is serious and sober … HA HA HA!! Glad you like my scribblings 🙂

  3. Rhonda Stewart says:

    I am in women’s ministry. Called by God. I was googling to find icebreakers for women’s events, when I saw this. Please know that I don’t say this with judgement, but with all humility, and knowing God’s word. God has a standard of behavior and we, all of us who claim Christianity, keep trying to lower that bar. I know his heart is breaking when he sees church going people speak and act just as the world does. I can no longer stay quiet, but take a stand for God’s Word. His truth. Romans 12:2 – And be not conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind; that you may now what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God. Please think about this. The “Fruit of the Spirit” is a great standard to live by. I care about who you are and hope you will not take this in the wrong way, but that you will take it with all the love that is intended. Bless you!

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